Tube relationship

You sit around crying that's like sitting around dying - J. Cole

(Everybody on this tube carridge has brown eyes, how weird.)

On a tube listening to Robert Glasper's - "Black Radio" album, extremely stressed, with a tiny bit of I don't know what at the bottom of my heart telling me to dust myself off and come back stronger. I guess that tiny bit of desire, spark to get up has come from the friends who have given me several texts and attempted to call me to try get me back up after seeing my blog. Love is what I have for them.

I wish there was a bit more I could say other that I'm in a really really dark place, but I literally can't. I wish i could tell you I'm not stressed, but i cant. I think I've been pretty stressed for the last couple of months to be honest, but this last rejection has really crushed me. The last 4 days have consisted of me sitting in my bedroom starring at walls, without opening the blinds or turning on the light and then in the evenings going to the place at the moment I do not want to be anywhere near - the theatre the place I work as an usher.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago, why I wanted to act and I remember a couple months back the artistic director of the young Vic, David Lan asked me, "why do you want to act" and on both occasions to be honest I rushed and made up what I thought was an honest answer and it's only in the last few days I think I have Found the answer, ironic it be in my days of depression and need, well not really ironic, but yeah...

I act because I am to a certain extent not content with who I am, not safe in who I am and feel emotionally vulnerable and unstable to a certain extent. I feel safe pretending to be someone else and enjoy attempting to understand them, and I guess when I feel like I'm beginning to fully understand the character, this person, who i am portraying, I am fed emotionally to a stableness.  

How pathetic it sounds I know, but the truth it be.  Selfish reasons, obviously there's also the plus of having people enjoy your work or the work your involved in.

I feel like this blog is becoming the "feel sorry for me blog", which is not meant to be the case at all. These are thoughts that I write down on my iPhone notes, thoughts that I wish I could have the confidence to speak to someone properly about weather it be actors, directors, teachers I know or friends and family, however I don't want to look like a creep, which I am most likely failing at.

Arrived at my station, speak soon maybe.

Shit Hope

So if you haven't guessed yet via my twitter or you don't follow me on twitter or don't have twitter, I just found out I didn't get the part I EXTREMELY wanted. I went to other auditions with an attitude that wasn't really professional, by having this one role in the back of my mind...Just great. I got extremely attached to the project to the extent I kept searching it up to everyday. 

The week started off great, with me seeing a Phenomonal new play by Jez Butterworth & meeting the great mark Rylance who passed on some nice advice to me. I also got to see a young kid from America who goes by the name of Joey Bada$$ come from America And perform in London to a sold out show, where everyone knows your lyrics at the tender age of 17.... I know right, talk about living out your dreams, it was quite inspiring to be honest, well both moments together was inspiring especially the first which was extremely inspiring.

(I'm sorry if my honesty makes me look weak.)

As I sit here on my bed, attempting to tell myself I can actually do this after crying for a bit( haven't shed a tear in years) and asking the man above several times why? I find myself in a position of dissatisfaction with  who I am and why I work in this certain way or why life works like this? Trying to figure out how & why life works the way it does. How everything can change from amazing to shit in a second, then if so why are we/ why do we let ourselves get attached something we know has the ability to do this?....People go on about how strong the word, the feeling of Love is, but I'm sure the feeling of "Hope" Is even greater, it has the ability to destroy.  Who do you blame, your heart or your brain? Two things so instrumental to how we function emotionally,  Why is it so rare they never see eye to eye? These questions you don't think of when your feeling of "Hope" is at it's strongest. Answers you search for when "Hope" is no longer existent.

(In these small paragraphs I tend to use "we" due to fear of the possibilities it's just "me" who feels this way.) 

This blog is named big dreams & I've always been a believer of big dreams and I don't want this to seem like you should feel sorry for me or I'm searching for sympathy, but when you work extremely hard on something and someone just slaps it back in your face, and you put love and emotion into something it's just so hard to accept that and actually want to brush yourself and get back on and move on. It's these moments where you think can I do this?