Shit Hope

So if you haven't guessed yet via my twitter or you don't follow me on twitter or don't have twitter, I just found out I didn't get the part I EXTREMELY wanted. I went to other auditions with an attitude that wasn't really professional, by having this one role in the back of my mind...Just great. I got extremely attached to the project to the extent I kept searching it up to everyday. 

The week started off great, with me seeing a Phenomonal new play by Jez Butterworth & meeting the great mark Rylance who passed on some nice advice to me. I also got to see a young kid from America who goes by the name of Joey Bada$$ come from America And perform in London to a sold out show, where everyone knows your lyrics at the tender age of 17.... I know right, talk about living out your dreams, it was quite inspiring to be honest, well both moments together was inspiring especially the first which was extremely inspiring.

(I'm sorry if my honesty makes me look weak.)

As I sit here on my bed, attempting to tell myself I can actually do this after crying for a bit( haven't shed a tear in years) and asking the man above several times why? I find myself in a position of dissatisfaction with  who I am and why I work in this certain way or why life works like this? Trying to figure out how & why life works the way it does. How everything can change from amazing to shit in a second, then if so why are we/ why do we let ourselves get attached something we know has the ability to do this?....People go on about how strong the word, the feeling of Love is, but I'm sure the feeling of "Hope" Is even greater, it has the ability to destroy.  Who do you blame, your heart or your brain? Two things so instrumental to how we function emotionally,  Why is it so rare they never see eye to eye? These questions you don't think of when your feeling of "Hope" is at it's strongest. Answers you search for when "Hope" is no longer existent.

(In these small paragraphs I tend to use "we" due to fear of the possibilities it's just "me" who feels this way.) 

This blog is named big dreams & I've always been a believer of big dreams and I don't want this to seem like you should feel sorry for me or I'm searching for sympathy, but when you work extremely hard on something and someone just slaps it back in your face, and you put love and emotion into something it's just so hard to accept that and actually want to brush yourself and get back on and move on. It's these moments where you think can I do this?