A Love song...

Head leaned against the tube window, listening to music thoughts....

Just want someone to tell me it's going to be okay... 

Feeling like a brother got  mental handcuffs on

In this life ain't no happy endings only pure beginnings followed by years of sinning

My only dream.

Roller 

Wanting something so much it becomes an imaginary person to you... A person you love.

I give you all I got till it aches no more.

I give you all it i got till I'm worth no more

Like What the fuck is a break, I don't know how much I can take no more...I give you all I got till it ain't no more, more and more tears

I'm holding on desperately... 

Light depression....

Trying to runaway from my thoughts...

Runaway Runaway Runaway, Runaway.... I'm holding on

How the F**k did my life become a damn love song...

What define's love to you... Love is the feeling of not being able to live without someone...

Have you thought about ending it, life?....

Really trying man...please don't break me down

11th June 2013

Just had one of those days which started off well and now it's like.... Aaah what a shit day. Recently I've been doing well, keeping myself busy busy busy. Doing stuff here and there. Slowly getting back to that actor I was last year.

Last night constructed of seeing my boys, whom I haven't seen for ages and just learning lines and doing a lot of character work for an audition I was told about very last minute(how most of them are). Whilst they slept I was there doing work right up until 4:47 when I went to sleep for an hour and a bit to wake up at 6:19. From there I rush to get to a location for a short film I'm involved in for 9. Get a phonecall from a close friend letting me know he has got a part as a series regular by a tv soap whom has a large audience, so I'm obviously estatic for him. Anyways Finish shooting what we needed to shoot for short film at 12, and my performances from what the director said are pretty much near perfect take after take, from there I run to central London for 1:15 to do this audition. The audition starts half an hour late & from the get go I just Get the feeling the casting director doesn't think I'm the one for the role. Prior to my audition she speaks to an auditionee who will be after me about some improvisation they will do... As my audition takes place, no improvisation scene is opened up to me.... She also just didn't seem to like my ideas which I had been working on right up till near 5am this morning. Anyway I leave the audition room gutted... Knowing that's another opportunity gone. The irony of the situation, today is a year today we had our showcase, the year, the day the world of auditioning would open up to me, surely a dream? A dream that slowly becomes more and more painful...

But heads up as they say, next one.. You can only judge your career at the end.... I'll try.

J x

Getting there.

3/06/13

"You got dreams and you got the right to chase them" - J.Cole

J.  Cole just released a new track and for those who know me or have been reading my blog will know my weird imaginary relation that I have with Cole. When I say weird relation I mean in terms of his music, he's music has got me through loads, he's someone I say makes the struggle look like a beautiful thing and the struggle is something I'm going through and trying to embrace and understand patience is key to achieving the dreams I have.

One of my ex teachers told me something I will never ever forget "don't compare your career with others". Words that stick in my mind constantly and words that were hard to accept many times in the last 12 months. However now having fully understood those words and from speaking to a few others(my agent, friends) I have managed to get a point close to mental stability, one that for the last 12 months has been hard to come by, mostly due to "comparing my career to others". 

I now have a plan a clear idea of what I want to do and how I want to get there. I want to get back to being the person I used to be and I'm slowly getting there...