Grooving

My Lisa left eye moment, that's what I've been calling these last few months. The title given to these last few months,a transitional period in my life.

      

    "being inspired from so many different directions"

Transitional in the sense I've been learning a lot about myself and seeing things from a different perspective. I have my moments still of strong frustration with my career, but I'm gradually becoming more patient. Something that I've been missing from my life... 

 

       "Forget about what you are NOT this is about what you ARE."

The mini travelling I done in the summer was incredible, and I gathered so much that I am trying to do it again, not just this summer but a few times in 2014. I guess it's the time you get being alone in another country or in a hostel the time you get to reflect whilst being in the midst of another country, culture, whilst all your worries may be in the past or back home, a sense of escapism and repair, that's how I see travelling like. Turned 20 this year, and I see every year as a year long lesson, bootcamp into eventually becoming the human being I want to be, the positive spirit I want to feed the world with. 

     "It's about fun, but it's also about love"

With that said, Drama School auditions here I come... We all have our different routes, this is mine... February 5th 2014 I'll be in doctors, then I'm off for a couple of years.

Learn to love yourself.

J x

Empty Tubes, Sombre Moods, Lost In The Blues...

I find myself on this empty tube going back home, listening to King Krule, lost in my thoughts.

"Brain leave me be..." King Krule - Cementality- (6 Feet beneath the moon- 2013)

It's only been a week and a bit since I was doing what I love, acting. Acting, working alongside incredible actors, learning, away from home in a hotel somewhere and now it's back to the routine of work, the routine you don't love. It's only been a week, and you try as hard as you possibly can to not delude yourself that everything will change once you start working professionally(as an actor) and as much you try it's still hard to not be disappointed by the absence of sound of that one phonecall possibly leads on to other things.

"And I still be asking God to show his face" Chance The Rapper - Acid Rain (Acid Rap - 2013)

Then I say to myself get a grip, it's only been a week. Chill The F**k out. Enjoy those moments, use this time to reflect, appreciate, but the immediate response to that is sometimes how can I chill? The wounds of being unemployed for a year, the mute sound of rejection after rejection are still yet to be fully healed. Yes there's the feeling of have faith in yourself you can do this, but it's a scary time when that faith isn't bright or strong enough to combat with the thoughts of that was just a fluke.

“The deeper I go into myself the more Irealise  that I am my own enemy.” - Floriano Martins.

The tube has stopped. Thank F**k for that. I'm outside I have signal, I'm no longer left alone with my thoughts. It's fine. It's fine. I'm fine No seriously I'm fine.

Moments

The Sounds of Trains going past, the sounds of automated voices informing commuters of train arrivals and departures, the footsteps of commuters pacing themselves to either get trains or coming off a train.... and then there's me, the guy walking around the station with the fattest smile ever. 

So I've completed filming for this episode of a TV show where I'm an episode guest/lead alongside a guest/lead actress. I had never done "proper" screen work and when I found out the intensity, rapidness they filmed this programme that made me even more nervous. Then I found out the actress I was playing alongside and the experience she had, pressure to not be the S**t actor whose s***t cause it's their first job or is just a s***t actor kicked in. I had also made that promise to myself which I posted earlier. 

But it went well I genuinely think it went well. It was a big moment I think for myself to get this role, "The First", but if I was to be brutally honest it was a big moment, a big thing, I think for my family and also for my agent. It was that confirmation that yeah he(being me) can do it. Everyone had faith, but it was a question of how much faith left everyone had(including myself-not much). So yeah it went really well, the first day was tough and by the second day I think i got used to it. The actress I was also playing alongside drew a performance out of me just due to the fact she was so amazing and it was great to work alongside her, it brings your game up and hopefully she feels like I brought her game up.

So now I'm in the stage of my career now where we hope for next job, but we also enjoy the moments shared and created from the last one and we use that to keep faith in our ability. I've also got to be happy, because I see acting as my wife, my lover and we had been apart for too long. 

09/10/13.

 

Quick Promise

Promise to myself. 

You asked for this moment, this opportunity, make it count. (But The Nerves) You spoke of big dreams for years, people laughed,but you stuck to your word (the nerves, the questions) when times were low you believed, but not as much as before - your friends were there to keep you going(they were right, they have faith in you, you have faith in yourself) The question of will I work after this lingers (yes that is fair), but you have been given an opportunity because someone has seen something in you, embrace this moment, the opportunity, the faith someone has shown in you...This is what you always wanted to ACT - professionally, you have been given the chance, embrace it, some people aren't as fortunate as you. 

You work hard, keep your head down, humble yourself it will come again - Words from my paps.

"So here so here we are, so we here are it's funny how so close can seem so far, seem so far, seem so far, it's funny how so close can seem so far, I mean this is your moment..." - J. Cole - Friday Night Lights (2010)

The days before THE first.

03/10/13

Life after getting that FIRST credit. (I haven't even done it yet.) 

It's been a bit of a whirlwind couple of days. Just a mix of emotions, events(occurrences) and a lot of reflecting. The reflecting is something that I have dwelled into much deeper since my mini summer European tour when I had a lot of time alone. The time alone is something I am trying to involve more in my life, and I guess the blog although it's public, when written it's that time alone with/by myself. 

"B**ch Don't kill my vibe, B**ch don't kill my vibe..." - Kendrick Lamar (2012) - Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City

I went out on the weekend and bumped into an old friend from sixth form. He asked me what I was doing with myself at the present moment in time. I explained to him how I was planning to audition for drama schools, was starting up my own Independant production company and for the first time ever, a moment I had only dreamed of, the words "I'm about to go off and do some acting work in..." came out of my mouth. He went on to congratulate me and explain, back when we were in sixth form and he was one of the light designers for the final show I was in(Angels in America) he knew I would go on to do bigger and better things, he said there was a drive about me that he admired and something he wanted to install in himself. Now what I am playing in is not a big thing, and even if it was a big thing I wouldn't call it a big thing but it's not a big thing and you get my point. However this was a moment of shock for me, but also a moment of pride, but it was also a moment of me realising that the drive, the fire in my stomach, the fuel since gaining this role were things that was coming  back to me and all of those things were things I desperately want to show the people on my first job in a couple of days.

"Whose world is this?The world is yours, the world is yours, the world is yours..." - Nas, Whose a World is this - Illnatic (1994)

Yesterday night I was at the Curzon Cinema in Shaftesbury Avenue for the amazing charity Tender(which works on preventing domestic abuse in young relationships) celebrating their tenth anniversary. I happen to be their Youth ambassador due to the collaboration we had in the summer and the relationship just continuing to blossom and me being fascinated in their work. Long story short, they had a Q/A with Olivia Coleman and Francine Stock. The Q/A was incredibly inspiring as you can imagine. After that I was introduced to Francine Stocke and explained a bit about myself my relationship with Tender and where I was up with my career. I then was introduced to Olivia, someone whose work I adore someone who's aura I adore from what I had seen of past interview, but now from meeting her. I again spoke about my relationship with tender and where I was at with my career and spoke very honestly about my frustration at times, the aura I mention from her is one of warmth and comfort. She gave me some advice. Advice I will keep forever near. Her advice wasn't much in terms of the conversation going for ages, but the words, the few characters that came from her were worth a million. They were specified for me and my situation, she left saying "I'm sure I'll see you around soon". Those final words topped the night. Those are the moments you keep near and dear to your heart to keep you going. An incredibly inspiring night.

 I heard on a radio interviewer a musician talking about how it took him a while for his career to get going, but when he did it was like a blessing, as the timing was right, he had learnt from people's career who had taken off prior to him and was not making the mistakes they made. I guess that's what I'm trying to do, not saying anyone I know has got a head of themselves, but I've been able to see others. I'm not getting ahead of myself at all which is very easy to do, I just want to grow and continue loving and learning my craft.

Humbled.

What Flavour Smoothie?

The Blender being my head, my thoughts being the fruits, there being so many different fruits equals many different thoughts, the fruits, the thoughts = the smoothie.

The phonecall I got on Friday is one I didn't expect/imagine to recieve for a while yet. The type of conversation I did not think would come for me. The words I thought were so far away from the current circumference I am. The words being "they would like to offer you the job!" For that Friday was the moment I got my first professional credit with the agency, the people who had seen so much in me and kept on supporting me through this tough & arduous year.

The moment came when I was on the bus to meet some friends who I deem as family more than friends. That meeting would of consisted of me talking about how I am doing my own thing at the moment of creating my own company and meeting some fantastic people and organised a fantastic team, and a team who can help me give back to people but also help myself out, I would of spoken of also myself being in a more positive of mind due to my incredible summer and feeling as if I was becoming a young man, but conversation would of also touched on the thoughts that linger in the back of the mind if I would ever get that first credit with my agency. Yes the thought had got smaller and it wasn't as powerful and it was not clouding my mind as much as moments prior to summer, but it was still there. So for that phonecall to change an element of the conversation I was going to have was incredible. Also to see the reaction of the people I call my brothers was a moment I will never forget. The reaction of people(you know who you are) who have been there with me through my darkest moments. To see the reaction of my mum when I got back home, the reaction of my dad was beautiful. I live for these moments of seeing these people you love happy and proud of you.

The funny thing about this though and the moment I realised I had actually become a "Actor" was the moment I already began to think way ahead... Will I work again after this job though, instead of embracing the moment. 

"Don't think about it too much, too much, too much too much, there's no need for us to rush this through" Drake - Too Much Feat Sampha. (2013 - Nothing Was The Same)

Today, 29th September, The day before my birthday. Glass of Red Wine in my left hand and I guess these are just lonely thoughts...

Does the frustration ever end?

J x

Lonesome...

3rd Blog post in 5 days...It's getting bad man.

Scared, alone...don't want to say either of the two out loud, don't want to say I'm depressed, but these are my thoughts, my words and I'm just painting out my thoughts.  

They say you get what you put in, Lord knows I'm putting in work in and there are people out there who I'm sure are not and are getting stuff out... So that phrase is pure B***S***!

    Maybe it's the substances that some people say are naughty that don't help and make the feelings I feel extreme... even worse when your someone like me... 

"In touch with my emotions, but not in control"

    "Chains concealed in our thoughts"

The phrase "but your so young" is one all too familiar... but I just want to be happy and should that be retained because your too young....

        "I'm holding on desperately...."

I want to go back to having faith in people... And eventually myself.

                   "I think love is beautiful too"

I used to be the positive guy, the extremely positive guy, "No Dream is too B.I.G." << words I would attach everywhere.... words I thought were stitched to my heart, feel like the stitching has peeled off.

       "No Longer superman"

Just thoughts man, these are just thoughts .... Penny for a thought, I guess I now have a couple...

      "and there goes you, selling me dreams.."

Penny for a thought.

Hardest thing to understand on life/career is that it isn't a sprint, its a marathon, but the question of will u finish the marathon lingers

Blues..

You come back from a magical weekend, a weekend of love, passion, friendship, no worries, naiveness, nature, magic to reality...the weekend being at the festival called Secret Garden Party, the reality being London, the reality being back home and getting a phone call from your agent saying you haven't got the part you auditioned for...when I mean reality I also mean routine, routine being rejection...

*Sigh*

Don't leave me alone with my thoughts...

Got the slow music playing again.....The thoughts begin to dribble out, the stress begins to foam from the thoughts...

Want to be left alone,but don't want to be left alone with my thoughts though...#Dilema.

Another phone call from the big man today, when I refer to the Big man I mean my biological dad whom I don't leave with but still keep in contact. I always say to myself the moment a kid tells their parent that they want to pursue a career in anything artistic must be a parent's worst nightmare, the parent hopes this is nothing but a faze and for some it is and for those parents "GREAT!". For the other parent's their child has fallen in love with this beautiful artistic....thing. That moment there is scary, both for the parent, but also the child. The parent visions the child being unsuccessful, financially unstable, not prospering in the "general job", not being able to discuss with friend's and family members in a proud tone what their child does, and for those parents whom look at the situation with a wider perspective realise the emotional lows this career may bring. The child is blinded to this as it is in love, however soon after rejection after rejection after rejection and so on the thought of failing and being a bum is one that scares the child, but if your in love with this "thing", there is nothing else you would like to do with your life then.....

Lucky the parents I live with are supportive, but when the lows are so low, you need all your family to be supportive.

I watched Glastonbury over the weekend from home and seeing everyone over there happy made me happy, I just want to be happy. I keep getting asked why are you going to so many festivals (Secret Garden Party, Rototom Sunsplash Reggae Festival, Outlook Festival & Bestival), my answer is simple. I want to be happy and I'll pay excess money to be happy, especially in a year that has been low after low.

(It's scary, these lows are killing me, and the reason why I say it is scary because I'm pretty sure there are some more lows to come which will be lower than this.)

WARNING. EXTREME LOWS.

State of mind is one which is extremely weird at the moment, because I am filled with joy and love that my peers some whom I see as family (see as family Dass, Hannah, Omar, Corey, Andrew, Amarah, reason why I see them as family, is because they call when I don't call, text when I don't text, they know the lows that I am going through and go out of their way to help, without me asking no matter how busy they are, and that right there is a trait of love, honest love) are all doing well and I couldn't state that any clearer, I have friends in stage shows, feature films, getting into drama schools, on Tv shows, going university, getting signed to agencies and like I said above brings me great joy, but where my career is at such a low(standstill), my emotions are at such a low that I am drained, that the highs and love I have, that I want to share with these people isn't fully showcased which is extremely frustrating, by no means is this jealousy(if it was I wouldn't put it out here....-_- ), it is simply the battle of emotions and the results of the human whom in this case is I, being emotionally drained.

<3

Out.

J Gassongo-Alexander ‏@JayGasAlex39m

Stressed. *Sigh*

Collapse

•  Reply 
•  Delete 
•  Favorite 

1:21 AM - 4 Jul 13 · Details

J Gassongo-Alexander ‏@JayGasAlexnow

I want to be alone, but don't leave me alone with my thoughts... http://jaygasalex.blogspot.co.uk/ 

Expand

•  Reply 
•  Delete 
•  Favorite 

A Love song...

Head leaned against the tube window, listening to music thoughts....

Just want someone to tell me it's going to be okay... 

Feeling like a brother got  mental handcuffs on

In this life ain't no happy endings only pure beginnings followed by years of sinning

My only dream.

Roller 

Wanting something so much it becomes an imaginary person to you... A person you love.

I give you all I got till it aches no more.

I give you all it i got till I'm worth no more

Like What the fuck is a break, I don't know how much I can take no more...I give you all I got till it ain't no more, more and more tears

I'm holding on desperately... 

Light depression....

Trying to runaway from my thoughts...

Runaway Runaway Runaway, Runaway.... I'm holding on

How the F**k did my life become a damn love song...

What define's love to you... Love is the feeling of not being able to live without someone...

Have you thought about ending it, life?....

Really trying man...please don't break me down

11th June 2013

Just had one of those days which started off well and now it's like.... Aaah what a shit day. Recently I've been doing well, keeping myself busy busy busy. Doing stuff here and there. Slowly getting back to that actor I was last year.

Last night constructed of seeing my boys, whom I haven't seen for ages and just learning lines and doing a lot of character work for an audition I was told about very last minute(how most of them are). Whilst they slept I was there doing work right up until 4:47 when I went to sleep for an hour and a bit to wake up at 6:19. From there I rush to get to a location for a short film I'm involved in for 9. Get a phonecall from a close friend letting me know he has got a part as a series regular by a tv soap whom has a large audience, so I'm obviously estatic for him. Anyways Finish shooting what we needed to shoot for short film at 12, and my performances from what the director said are pretty much near perfect take after take, from there I run to central London for 1:15 to do this audition. The audition starts half an hour late & from the get go I just Get the feeling the casting director doesn't think I'm the one for the role. Prior to my audition she speaks to an auditionee who will be after me about some improvisation they will do... As my audition takes place, no improvisation scene is opened up to me.... She also just didn't seem to like my ideas which I had been working on right up till near 5am this morning. Anyway I leave the audition room gutted... Knowing that's another opportunity gone. The irony of the situation, today is a year today we had our showcase, the year, the day the world of auditioning would open up to me, surely a dream? A dream that slowly becomes more and more painful...

But heads up as they say, next one.. You can only judge your career at the end.... I'll try.

J x

Getting there.

3/06/13

"You got dreams and you got the right to chase them" - J.Cole

J.  Cole just released a new track and for those who know me or have been reading my blog will know my weird imaginary relation that I have with Cole. When I say weird relation I mean in terms of his music, he's music has got me through loads, he's someone I say makes the struggle look like a beautiful thing and the struggle is something I'm going through and trying to embrace and understand patience is key to achieving the dreams I have.

One of my ex teachers told me something I will never ever forget "don't compare your career with others". Words that stick in my mind constantly and words that were hard to accept many times in the last 12 months. However now having fully understood those words and from speaking to a few others(my agent, friends) I have managed to get a point close to mental stability, one that for the last 12 months has been hard to come by, mostly due to "comparing my career to others". 

I now have a plan a clear idea of what I want to do and how I want to get there. I want to get back to being the person I used to be and I'm slowly getting there...

Been a while

29th May 2013

Been a while... F**king long time since I done one of these.

I haven't been dropped my agency which is great news, cause I honestly thought that meeting would be it...but the beautiful people at this amazing agency have the utmost faith in me and for that I'm forever grateful.

I have so many thoughts as I sit on this tube towards the direction of morden, thoughts that would make this post far too long. 

Working at a theatre as an actor can sometime suck, especially on press nights, tonight I see the main actor and the director of a play I auditioned for and wanted so bad, remember the play that made me lock myself away in my room for days & turning off my phone, yeah they were in tonight on the bright side my friend is in it would of been great to play alongside him....the thing about acting, everything is rubbed in your face, so as I've said before the lows in the career are very low...

So many more things to say, but I don't want to make this too long. The post was just to confirm I'm still alive & getting back slowly to Sanity I hope... The quote "do not compare your career with others/peers" sticks in my head.... Arrived at morden, till next time.

J x

P.S. Laura Mvula music keeps me at peace.

Never felt so close...

Lying on bed, just spoken to agent and I think I'm going to get dropped "to discuss where things go one from here" have a meeting with them in a few weeks. My heart is beating uncontrollably fast and hard against my chest.

A couple of months ago, or if this was a movie I'd cry, but for some reason, I just feel a coldness. I envisioned this moment happening in nightmares and look it's happening. I take phone and laptop and begin to deactivate my Facebook, delete my twitter and Instagram accounts, don't even know why, I guess it's my attempt to escape . Then I come to you, my blog....the only person I sometimes feel I can talk to without holding anything back... The irony of that statement due to the fact I'm talking to myself and I then post a link so whoever who wants to see it can...

My last blog post spoke out me seeing some light and begging for it not to disappear on me... I guess it did disappear.

Aaah man.... We give our lives to something we love for it to only be the thing that kills us on in the end....

"I always fantasize if I had went to college instead
Would I be happily married instead of broke and unwed?
My nigga made a major move I said I hope for the best
I told my sister as I kissed her cheek I’m better off dead
Fucking with this white, it’s all been downhill like a sled
Now listen, I understand they say you make your own bed
But tell me who supplied these sheets with this cheap ass thread
In denial about the feds, he can’t see past bread
Now do exactly what the man in the ski mask says, okay?
These are the times, survival my only crime
I gotta be on my grind, a lot of my homies gone
Inside of me Lord I know, it’s a lie that we gon' be fine
But momma I’m tired of crying, just lie to me one more time" Crunch Time - J. cole.

Quick Hope

Hoping this next week continues to be good, last week was soo good! Positive thinking! *fingers & toes crossed*

Light don't dim please... :)

So as I walk down a street Wandsworth with my earphones, music banging loud and a fat smile across my face, I realise that I'm happy, a feeling that had evaporated from my life for the last couple of months....

The renaissance stems from me being able to do the thing which I love to do..."act". I've often compared acting to my wife, when the relationship is stable and good, everything else is good, as the legendary rapper Nas would say "Life is Good".

So this week 8th - 13th I have been working on a short film produced by Latimere Films for the charity Tender( "Tender is a charity that works to promote healthy relationships based on equality and respect"). The experience of working on a short film, with such a professional and talented cast and crew was rejuvenating. Also it being for charity was a blessing in disguise. I also had an audition which I'm waiting to hear back from, didn't want to enclose that, I always have this feeling of if I don't tell anyone about an audition my luck will be nicer to me, but the audition also contributed to the week been such a good one.

I think after all these months of disappointment and stress, it just felt really good to be happy again and I know this is the life of most actors, but that doesn't make it any easier... So yeah I see some light, lets hope it doesn't disappear again.

Love x

Mentality

The special word of the of this blog post is Positivity. So Friday I spoke to one of my close friends whose also an actor and he was telling me how he is flying out to la as one of the shows he&#8217;s in is getting picked up which is great news and just bought a smile to my face. Then I caught up with another friend on Saturday who told me he had just been cast in a new tv show with a very famous actor as a series regular which was again fantastic news. 

<p>Sunday I had two auditions on the opposites of London for short films I found myself, which felt good, I hadn&#8217;t auditioned in a while and I was using these auditions as a way to keep myself busy and also as a way to be in a place where I feel comfortable to make mistakes, so when I do have my auditions gathered from my agent I think l will be less nervous, but the key thing is I feel different, compared to how I have been feeling/behaving the last couple of months. I've been so negative about myself compared to the person I was In 2011 till mid 2012 who was extremely positive and just remembering how that positive energy brought positive moments to my life are memories and feelings I cherish and want to feel again. So the word for this week and now on is Positivity .

Extreme is the key word here

4/03/13

I dream of a brighter day, a brighter post...

I always start with the back pages of a newspaper, football fan so its a must. Reading the 
evening standard talking about the demise of Arsenal FC & how bad their current squad is.  
I now begin to flick through the paper where I see the advertisement of a programme which I auditioned for starting tonight. See how I once again used the word "auditioned" and as the programme is starting tonight you can most likely guess I didn't get the part, story of my short career so far.


The life of an actor is one that I have come to the conclusion is "not real". I come to this conclusion from my own experiences, these experiences switching back and forth from extreme highs and extreme lows, the word "extreme" will always be associated with actor. The extreme comes from the mistake/risk actors tend to take,  having hope. Hope so incredibly large they/we end up believing it will happen and this could be it, the beginning,/the defining moment, when it doesn't happen, as you can imagine the lows are painful to the extent silly thoughts blossom in the mind sometimes silly things are taken for the desperate need to escape. The actor is putting all his/hers/my focus on this career, forcing their way through this invisible barricade and leaving behind the friends, the brothers/sisters they had, not intentionally but assuming they wouldn't be able to understand them now that they have chosen to become an actor.... I remember one casting I had in the early stages of doing this and the casting director said to me I would lose all my friends when trying to break into this industry...oh how he wasn't lying, I seem to have a lot of acquaintances, few friends, few brothers, some have seemed to switch around categories, moving up or moving down.
Once again bare with me, I dream of a brighter day, a brighter post.

Boulder needed to crawl under please...

As I walk down the stairs of Leicester square tube station my language becomes extremely foul. Every word you can think of that's vulgar, foul and explicit I will of said, quietly.

(Subway is S**T! I spent £5 there thinking it would be good comfort food...WRONG! I don't feel gross or full! Where's the greasy stuff!) 

The longer I go without getting that first credit(7months now), the more crucial the next audition becomes, the more desperate I get, the more I have to fool myself that I am not desperate to get the part, the more I have to attempt to fool myself that I do believe in myself. What I'm referring to is "getting the part". 

(the hours spent of hard work, all the research on your mobile phone and computer, pictures, notes, quotes, references all now there to be deleted).

The tube journey routine begins, me sighing every six seconds, this is quickly interrupted with school children on a school trip so I begin to say all these swear words-naughty words-foul/vulgar/you get the picture words in my head to the point I have a headache. The tube journey also consists of me imagining the perfect audition, delivering the lines how I want them to be delivered, the director and casting director smiling and nodding and wanting to know about me....if only that was the case today and not the complete opposite. And now this dude has come sat next to me and taken up all the leg room and arm room FOR F**K SAKE! 

(And I had to shave aswell! I don't have much facial hair but the tiny bit I have feels good, looks good, now I just feel and look like an alien.)

My hood from my hoodie now becomes my mask, If only it was a boulder that I could crawl under...

P.S.  The worst thing is, I don't think like I can talk to anyone about this as the people I'd go to talk to are doing extremely well and either haven't got time or haven't gone through this patch as mine. Funny thing is after loosing out to one of the parts of my dream in December, a tiny bit of me, when I was finally getting over that, didn't think life could get much worse, well boy I was wrong. *Waits for phonecall from biological father who you don't live with to tell you, it may be worth finding something else to do with life, just incase(most likely in his eyes) that this doesn't work out...*