Tube relationship

You sit around crying that's like sitting around dying - J. Cole

(Everybody on this tube carridge has brown eyes, how weird.)

On a tube listening to Robert Glasper's - "Black Radio" album, extremely stressed, with a tiny bit of I don't know what at the bottom of my heart telling me to dust myself off and come back stronger. I guess that tiny bit of desire, spark to get up has come from the friends who have given me several texts and attempted to call me to try get me back up after seeing my blog. Love is what I have for them.

I wish there was a bit more I could say other that I'm in a really really dark place, but I literally can't. I wish i could tell you I'm not stressed, but i cant. I think I've been pretty stressed for the last couple of months to be honest, but this last rejection has really crushed me. The last 4 days have consisted of me sitting in my bedroom starring at walls, without opening the blinds or turning on the light and then in the evenings going to the place at the moment I do not want to be anywhere near - the theatre the place I work as an usher.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago, why I wanted to act and I remember a couple months back the artistic director of the young Vic, David Lan asked me, "why do you want to act" and on both occasions to be honest I rushed and made up what I thought was an honest answer and it's only in the last few days I think I have Found the answer, ironic it be in my days of depression and need, well not really ironic, but yeah...

I act because I am to a certain extent not content with who I am, not safe in who I am and feel emotionally vulnerable and unstable to a certain extent. I feel safe pretending to be someone else and enjoy attempting to understand them, and I guess when I feel like I'm beginning to fully understand the character, this person, who i am portraying, I am fed emotionally to a stableness.  

How pathetic it sounds I know, but the truth it be.  Selfish reasons, obviously there's also the plus of having people enjoy your work or the work your involved in.

I feel like this blog is becoming the "feel sorry for me blog", which is not meant to be the case at all. These are thoughts that I write down on my iPhone notes, thoughts that I wish I could have the confidence to speak to someone properly about weather it be actors, directors, teachers I know or friends and family, however I don't want to look like a creep, which I am most likely failing at.

Arrived at my station, speak soon maybe.

Shit Hope

So if you haven't guessed yet via my twitter or you don't follow me on twitter or don't have twitter, I just found out I didn't get the part I EXTREMELY wanted. I went to other auditions with an attitude that wasn't really professional, by having this one role in the back of my mind...Just great. I got extremely attached to the project to the extent I kept searching it up to everyday. 

The week started off great, with me seeing a Phenomonal new play by Jez Butterworth & meeting the great mark Rylance who passed on some nice advice to me. I also got to see a young kid from America who goes by the name of Joey Bada$$ come from America And perform in London to a sold out show, where everyone knows your lyrics at the tender age of 17.... I know right, talk about living out your dreams, it was quite inspiring to be honest, well both moments together was inspiring especially the first which was extremely inspiring.

(I'm sorry if my honesty makes me look weak.)

As I sit here on my bed, attempting to tell myself I can actually do this after crying for a bit( haven't shed a tear in years) and asking the man above several times why? I find myself in a position of dissatisfaction with  who I am and why I work in this certain way or why life works like this? Trying to figure out how & why life works the way it does. How everything can change from amazing to shit in a second, then if so why are we/ why do we let ourselves get attached something we know has the ability to do this?....People go on about how strong the word, the feeling of Love is, but I'm sure the feeling of "Hope" Is even greater, it has the ability to destroy.  Who do you blame, your heart or your brain? Two things so instrumental to how we function emotionally,  Why is it so rare they never see eye to eye? These questions you don't think of when your feeling of "Hope" is at it's strongest. Answers you search for when "Hope" is no longer existent.

(In these small paragraphs I tend to use "we" due to fear of the possibilities it's just "me" who feels this way.) 

This blog is named big dreams & I've always been a believer of big dreams and I don't want this to seem like you should feel sorry for me or I'm searching for sympathy, but when you work extremely hard on something and someone just slaps it back in your face, and you put love and emotion into something it's just so hard to accept that and actually want to brush yourself and get back on and move on. It's these moments where you think can I do this? 

The Tube, back to reality.

Interlude: The craziest and hardest thing about writing a honest blog filled with emotion and it being released to the world is it making sense to everyone else...So what do you do? Don't write it for the purpose of someone else(the world) write it for yourself.

On way to work with it only being yesterday that I had come back from the best weekend of my life, a weekend filled with no stress, but only music, a large field, 50,000 people showing each other love, alcohol, other naughty stuff(Lol)  and wildlife costumes. A weekend that inspired me, I was inspired by life.

The last few weeks(month and a bit) have been of stress, rejection after rejection, failure after failure, getting closer and closer but not quite getting there.  "There" meaning my first professional credit, my first role, my first piece of professional work. I've been in a position that not many people(already auditioning) are fortunate to be in (I think) in the sense of getting constant auditions like twice and three times a week(and in JULY- AUGUST- Olympic time), that sounds all good, but with that came constant rejection, blow after blow and not being able to necessarily recover completely but yet having to go to another audition and hear of rejection again and with that <<< came stress. I had noticed how bad it had become when I was in the car with one of my friends who said "I can hear it in your voice, your breaking, your letting it get to you, your giving up". Words that I never thought would be said to me, words to people who know me as Mr Believe would never relate to me, but yes like the actor Ben Chaplin & many other great actors have said "there comes a time when you as an actor question yourself and ask yourself can I do this?" and I believe these last few weeks have been that exactly for me, me questioning myself.

So having a weekend filled with love and happiness, stress free was just what was needed, I was inspired by life and love,  love being the reason why I want to act, because I love this art form and want to do it for as long as my life allows me to and life being in a position where you have the opportunity to make this dream of mine a reality. These last few weeks I haven't loved it, I've seen it as a job and not an an expression of art. The weekend taught me to enjoy and love again, a weekend I truly see as one the greatest weekend of my short life, for many different reason, the loving  energy that was shared with me being a reason for it. I'm not saying my first credit will come very soon(like one of my older posts), what I'm trying to say is that I have the feeling of love and life back in me. 

P.S. Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen

Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.

Easy Depression.

A Career that requires patience and if that skill is not mastered then, it is the easiest way to become depressed.

Sooo Close, But Yet Sooo Far...

I wish I could express to you all how I feel at this very moment in time. I'm lonely by choice due to certain outcomes, I'm lonely and I'm not at the top.

They say be happy, don't worry, but how can I not worry - Rejection.

I Feel It

I watched Blue Valentine & cried.....and cried.....and cried, sorry really needed to get that off my chest.

Just on way back from watching Dark Knight Rises with one of my closest friends, practically family Percy(newly announced by IMDB one of the Top 12 British Teenage actors - http://www.imdb.com/list/6DRgkdq1V6Y/)-Percy that shoutout was nice right? lool.... anyways both of us left the cinema feeling inspired and speechless, telling each other one day we shall work with Christopher Nolan. You just get that feeling, hard to explain.

Anyways I've pretty much had my first working week with my new agency and as what you could say a professional actor? 3 auditions in one week, one being a recall for one I had done earlier that week, the reason for this blog was due to me not getting the part at a recall and me realizing why I wouldn't get it as soon as I left the audition room. The reason being majorly was because I couldn't get this one note at first which was quite technical and something you WOULD learn by going to drama school, that's when it HIT me, I was choosing to enter this extremely competitive industry without drama school training..................................................................................................................................................................................................and I'm excited because that's just IGNITED my fuel, my desire to succeed to prove people wrong to really show people I can do whatever I put my mind to, and that's what I have been doing all my life, proving people wrong and showing them the mind can do incredible things. I told Percy earlier today "I feel it, I feel like it's not going to take too long for me to get my first role under my new agency and to run with this torch cause I'm ready and I FEEL IT, I feel like I'm learning quickly from my mistakes and to some that statement will sound arrogant, to some, delusional, but to me....it's my belief and that's what keeps me going.

There's an image that I've uploaded to this post. I wrote on this scrap piece paper last year, from that exact moment a 5 YEAR plan, if you can't read it, this is the plan;

6)Keep working hard and believing
5)Get a good part in common Ground
4)Get into showcase and get a good agent
3) To begin to make movements, to be noticed
2)Perform in West End
1) Become an upcoming film actor and bring friends along.

So far I've done the first 3(4,5,6) - I Told you...I FEEL IT

Let's Run With This Torch....

My secondary school drama teacher who I'm really close with and who I've always kept up to date with, text me this, when I told her the good news "Great things coming your way... I can feel it in my bones !!".....

Here we are once again on a tube, with no earphones/headphones with someone sitting opposite me starring at me not realising I know they are starring at me...awkward. I've just taken a break from reading the book "How I live now" by Meg Rossoff, fantastic book (they're making a feature film out of it starring Saoirse Ronan, being directed by the AMAZING Kevin MacDonald).  Anyways continuing from the last blog, I got offers from Agents, Wohoo! Go Jesse Go Jesse Go Jesse Go Go! And this week and the end of last week has  been me pretty much just meeting with them and trying to find out as much as possible as I can on them and their possible ideas for me and my career. Yesterday, I got a phonecall from a certain agency I really felt a connection with who I had a meeting with earlier that day, the phonecall went along the lines of "we would like to  represent you Jesse" and I can't really remember the rest apart from me screaming like a girl who was seeing Justin bieber, this is happening whilst I'm at the zoo, and yes people are there, so you can imagine their faces,  and theres me running  around the gorilla section(who were probably starting too) with the phone in my hand screaming, close to tears. I guess that was the moment I realised the hard work was beginning to pay off and I was taking another step closer to my dream with a group of people who have a great belief & vision for me....

So yeah that is the good news, thought I'd start back to front.... I'm hoping the great things are coming my way too....I really am

Signing out

J x

No Music, well no headphones...

I've slowed right down on this blogging thing, I know, but I only want to blog when I'm 1) feel the need to blog 2) when I have no earphones/headphones and on a long tube journey...I.E. the situation I am in now. Ironic that I'd be on this situation on such an important day, the day being showcase also known as a "Celebration Show" what some people see as the peak of the course and what others just see as a great experience. The Showcase *cough* Celebration Show, is when the (Brit School - Theatre) teachers/department pick a select number of students, this year, 20 out of 60 to perform to a number of invited guests at a west end theatre.

The invited guests being built up of governors, casting directors, directors and of course...Agents. The participants I.E. what me and another 19 people do is prepare and showcase a monologue/dualogue that is hopefully representing our ability at a high level and indicates what the department reckon we would get casted for in the acting industry.  I had some worries about my piece due to it being what I see as a stereotypical kind of role for a young black actor, which is something I have always said I want to stay away from and something that I would hope would make me stand out from the crowd, and yes I did try to change the piece by negotiating with the teachers, however this was unsuccessful and I remain doing this piece due to the department being adamant that they knew what they were doing, and in this case they have waaay more experience of the industry than I have, so I had to take a back seat and just have faith and from working on it, I really do have faith in the speech which is something I didn't have at the beginning.

So we are here today in a situation I would like to say is the biggest opportunity of my life so far, and we have been told that we don't know what the agents want, they could not get casting to their offices for breakdowns we would suit, they could already have someone like us on their books, so we shouldn't really get carried away too much, is a message that has been really pushed through by the teachers, but I think in this situation it would be close to Impossible not to dream of the incredible things that could/you would want to happen and you know me...I'm not one to NOT have BIG dreams *has a little chuckle on the tube, lady beside gives me a weird look*.  So yes this is where Jesse Gassongo-Alexander is at the moment in his life as of today, and yes I have now arrived at charing cross, well I haven't, I'm two stops away but I'm going to get off this and try some breathing meditating...

One Love
 Big Dreams
 J x

Big Dreams Small City

The titles actually a song lyric...yeah just thought It was something I'd say...(London is small)

I haven't blogged in ages and so many things have happened;

I was in a show at the Southwark Playhouse Theatre for a week, I met Judi Dench, I devised a piece of theatre with some friends which went really well, I've been getting to 2nd and last round auditions for Drama Schools(Then being rejected) I've technically finished my time at The Brit School, will I be accepted for one more year there? Who Knows.... so many other things have happened to, but its been pretty hectic and exciting, I've learnt so much and thats what I want to do...continue to learn....and also just blessing that people are honestly believing in me...thats beautiful

These next few weeks, months shall be interesting...what happens? Who knows.... We Just hope, Pray and work hard

X

RED

Hi everyone!....anyone?

It's been a while since I done a blog(I always say that) feels quite long, since I got back to writing and evaluating where I am.

So I'm sitting here on my computer with the War Horse OST by John Williams being played in the background, feeling optimistic, excited, nervous, eager... those are just a few of the large range of emotions I'm feeling at the moment. I've been having my Drama School Auditons put it in RED cause I haven't been given a green light yet, TWO REJECTIONS wooo...wooo...no...so yeah I've yet to get completely good news but I got some kind of good news from one of the two, but I shall not expand completely till I confirm anything. Got 4 more so lets hope they are go better.

But this experience of auditioning for Drama Schools, which is a place for intense training in acting has really taken its toll on me. Physically and emotionally, obviously the dissapointment of me not getting to next rounds etc but also seeing your closest friends coming back with bad news is quite...well its just not nice to see, cause they're upset and begin to doubt themselves which I think we all do in life, but thats why you have to MUTE negtaivity...its that thing of someone saying "NO" to the thing which you want MOST...it's crazy, however I/we chose to dedicate are life to this art which you need tough skin in, so these barriers and hurdles and setbacks are just part of the journey I guess, it's all about carrying on working hard and believing....

It was...and still is, all about the growth....

The shows are over...WOW... :'(

Angels In America is physically over, in the sense I won't be performing it anymore. I watched an interview with Michelle Williams and she said you you move on to other roles, but you always keep tiny parts of characters you have played because you become them. I couldn't agree more especially with Prior Walter, the character I played in Angels In America. I'm moving on to the next character, the next human being to explore, but I know I'll keeping the tiniest part of Prior Walter in me.


I will never forget the first show of Angels In America, SOLD OUT(few people didnt turn up) I was so nervous backstage..I always am, but thinking back I was a F**kin MESS this time. I guess it was because I doubted myself and was thinking bout what people may think, as much as people may deny it I've said it a million times "us actors want to be loved", but I remember getting on stage and just completely becoming someone else and not remember I was doing a play, really until the end at the curtain call...This is SOOOO CHEESY and it may even sound pretentious(I really hope it doesn't), but I felt like I really became Prior Walter. All the things I had done to feel like him, to get closer to this person, had come together...the jogging to loose weight, the pretend catwalking, the visit to Mildmay AIDS hospital, the research of America's 80s culture...had all come together in terms of helping me become this characater.

Then the reaction from people was incredible, phenomenal,beautiful breathtaking...I really won't ever forget how nice the things people said about my performance and the play and the rest of the cast and the director...just the general production, it was all these beautiful comments and reviews in the first performance but also the other two that really reassured me to have faith in my ability and that hard work DOES pay off and that people had seen the growth in me and that was the major thing for me to show anyone who maybe doubted or just anyone that hadn't seen me act that yeah...this kid can do it, he has "something", for people to walk away and be like yeah. I can imagine this kid doing stuff on TV, Film, Stage....

 It was...and still is, all about the growth.... now for Drama School Auditions

What would Meryl say?

Play the song Mogwai-autorock. <<<Whilst reading this...just makes reading this feel abit more epic

Want to start by saying hope you had a lovely christmas and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

erm...Hello? wow been soo long...well feels so long since I done this...the show that I'm in is in 5days *attempts to laugh* really not funny and I am s**ting myself! Sooo much!! Its cause I want to do soo well, I really want people who have seen me before to see the GROWTH, to see how hard I've worked and to show people I can do this as a career and I was extremely lazy before and wasn't working as hard as I should have been. For people who havent seen me perform before, see me do what I LOVE doing and always talk about and walk away from the performance and be like.... okay, okay I see the potential in this guy, he can make it... soo cheesy but TRUE!

I've been to two film premiers these last two days, standing in the rain and cold. Just came back from one tonight where I saw Ralph Fiennes, Vanessa Redgrave & Gerrard Butler. Yesterday I saw Meryl Streep who in my eyes is theee BEST actor/actress to ever of taken up the art of acting. That's just MY opinnion, to meet her and see her was soo inspiring and she is in a position where she is INSPIRING and bringing so much happyness to people around the world by doing what she loves...acting.

My minds all over the place, I can't really think straight. I just really want it to be special and do everyone proud. Im so grateful to be given the opportunity to be in this play and got the part I wanted. To be working with an amazing cast, director and techinical team. To have met the amazing people at Mildmay hospital, and so grateful for everyone who has got tickets to come watch this show...this is what most of us want to do as career so your support means the world.....I want to say so much but I have...I cant articulate the thoughts thats in my head....maybe I will later, but for now let me go to a corner and try and calm down...


Angels In America - Obie Theatre - Brit School. Jan 11th- 7pm, 16th(4:30) and 25th(7pm) Tickets £4 box office number:0208 665 8617


Take Care