Empty Tubes, Sombre Moods, Lost In The Blues...

I find myself on this empty tube going back home, listening to King Krule, lost in my thoughts.

"Brain leave me be..." King Krule - Cementality- (6 Feet beneath the moon- 2013)

It's only been a week and a bit since I was doing what I love, acting. Acting, working alongside incredible actors, learning, away from home in a hotel somewhere and now it's back to the routine of work, the routine you don't love. It's only been a week, and you try as hard as you possibly can to not delude yourself that everything will change once you start working professionally(as an actor) and as much you try it's still hard to not be disappointed by the absence of sound of that one phonecall possibly leads on to other things.

"And I still be asking God to show his face" Chance The Rapper - Acid Rain (Acid Rap - 2013)

Then I say to myself get a grip, it's only been a week. Chill The F**k out. Enjoy those moments, use this time to reflect, appreciate, but the immediate response to that is sometimes how can I chill? The wounds of being unemployed for a year, the mute sound of rejection after rejection are still yet to be fully healed. Yes there's the feeling of have faith in yourself you can do this, but it's a scary time when that faith isn't bright or strong enough to combat with the thoughts of that was just a fluke.

“The deeper I go into myself the more Irealise  that I am my own enemy.” - Floriano Martins.

The tube has stopped. Thank F**k for that. I'm outside I have signal, I'm no longer left alone with my thoughts. It's fine. It's fine. I'm fine No seriously I'm fine.

Moments

The Sounds of Trains going past, the sounds of automated voices informing commuters of train arrivals and departures, the footsteps of commuters pacing themselves to either get trains or coming off a train.... and then there's me, the guy walking around the station with the fattest smile ever. 

So I've completed filming for this episode of a TV show where I'm an episode guest/lead alongside a guest/lead actress. I had never done "proper" screen work and when I found out the intensity, rapidness they filmed this programme that made me even more nervous. Then I found out the actress I was playing alongside and the experience she had, pressure to not be the S**t actor whose s***t cause it's their first job or is just a s***t actor kicked in. I had also made that promise to myself which I posted earlier. 

But it went well I genuinely think it went well. It was a big moment I think for myself to get this role, "The First", but if I was to be brutally honest it was a big moment, a big thing, I think for my family and also for my agent. It was that confirmation that yeah he(being me) can do it. Everyone had faith, but it was a question of how much faith left everyone had(including myself-not much). So yeah it went really well, the first day was tough and by the second day I think i got used to it. The actress I was also playing alongside drew a performance out of me just due to the fact she was so amazing and it was great to work alongside her, it brings your game up and hopefully she feels like I brought her game up.

So now I'm in the stage of my career now where we hope for next job, but we also enjoy the moments shared and created from the last one and we use that to keep faith in our ability. I've also got to be happy, because I see acting as my wife, my lover and we had been apart for too long. 

09/10/13.

 

Quick Promise

Promise to myself. 

You asked for this moment, this opportunity, make it count. (But The Nerves) You spoke of big dreams for years, people laughed,but you stuck to your word (the nerves, the questions) when times were low you believed, but not as much as before - your friends were there to keep you going(they were right, they have faith in you, you have faith in yourself) The question of will I work after this lingers (yes that is fair), but you have been given an opportunity because someone has seen something in you, embrace this moment, the opportunity, the faith someone has shown in you...This is what you always wanted to ACT - professionally, you have been given the chance, embrace it, some people aren't as fortunate as you. 

You work hard, keep your head down, humble yourself it will come again - Words from my paps.

"So here so here we are, so we here are it's funny how so close can seem so far, seem so far, seem so far, it's funny how so close can seem so far, I mean this is your moment..." - J. Cole - Friday Night Lights (2010)

The days before THE first.

03/10/13

Life after getting that FIRST credit. (I haven't even done it yet.) 

It's been a bit of a whirlwind couple of days. Just a mix of emotions, events(occurrences) and a lot of reflecting. The reflecting is something that I have dwelled into much deeper since my mini summer European tour when I had a lot of time alone. The time alone is something I am trying to involve more in my life, and I guess the blog although it's public, when written it's that time alone with/by myself. 

"B**ch Don't kill my vibe, B**ch don't kill my vibe..." - Kendrick Lamar (2012) - Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City

I went out on the weekend and bumped into an old friend from sixth form. He asked me what I was doing with myself at the present moment in time. I explained to him how I was planning to audition for drama schools, was starting up my own Independant production company and for the first time ever, a moment I had only dreamed of, the words "I'm about to go off and do some acting work in..." came out of my mouth. He went on to congratulate me and explain, back when we were in sixth form and he was one of the light designers for the final show I was in(Angels in America) he knew I would go on to do bigger and better things, he said there was a drive about me that he admired and something he wanted to install in himself. Now what I am playing in is not a big thing, and even if it was a big thing I wouldn't call it a big thing but it's not a big thing and you get my point. However this was a moment of shock for me, but also a moment of pride, but it was also a moment of me realising that the drive, the fire in my stomach, the fuel since gaining this role were things that was coming  back to me and all of those things were things I desperately want to show the people on my first job in a couple of days.

"Whose world is this?The world is yours, the world is yours, the world is yours..." - Nas, Whose a World is this - Illnatic (1994)

Yesterday night I was at the Curzon Cinema in Shaftesbury Avenue for the amazing charity Tender(which works on preventing domestic abuse in young relationships) celebrating their tenth anniversary. I happen to be their Youth ambassador due to the collaboration we had in the summer and the relationship just continuing to blossom and me being fascinated in their work. Long story short, they had a Q/A with Olivia Coleman and Francine Stock. The Q/A was incredibly inspiring as you can imagine. After that I was introduced to Francine Stocke and explained a bit about myself my relationship with Tender and where I was up with my career. I then was introduced to Olivia, someone whose work I adore someone who's aura I adore from what I had seen of past interview, but now from meeting her. I again spoke about my relationship with tender and where I was at with my career and spoke very honestly about my frustration at times, the aura I mention from her is one of warmth and comfort. She gave me some advice. Advice I will keep forever near. Her advice wasn't much in terms of the conversation going for ages, but the words, the few characters that came from her were worth a million. They were specified for me and my situation, she left saying "I'm sure I'll see you around soon". Those final words topped the night. Those are the moments you keep near and dear to your heart to keep you going. An incredibly inspiring night.

 I heard on a radio interviewer a musician talking about how it took him a while for his career to get going, but when he did it was like a blessing, as the timing was right, he had learnt from people's career who had taken off prior to him and was not making the mistakes they made. I guess that's what I'm trying to do, not saying anyone I know has got a head of themselves, but I've been able to see others. I'm not getting ahead of myself at all which is very easy to do, I just want to grow and continue loving and learning my craft.

Humbled.