Grooving

My Lisa left eye moment, that's what I've been calling these last few months. The title given to these last few months,a transitional period in my life.

      

    "being inspired from so many different directions"

Transitional in the sense I've been learning a lot about myself and seeing things from a different perspective. I have my moments still of strong frustration with my career, but I'm gradually becoming more patient. Something that I've been missing from my life... 

 

       "Forget about what you are NOT this is about what you ARE."

The mini travelling I done in the summer was incredible, and I gathered so much that I am trying to do it again, not just this summer but a few times in 2014. I guess it's the time you get being alone in another country or in a hostel the time you get to reflect whilst being in the midst of another country, culture, whilst all your worries may be in the past or back home, a sense of escapism and repair, that's how I see travelling like. Turned 20 this year, and I see every year as a year long lesson, bootcamp into eventually becoming the human being I want to be, the positive spirit I want to feed the world with. 

     "It's about fun, but it's also about love"

With that said, Drama School auditions here I come... We all have our different routes, this is mine... February 5th 2014 I'll be in doctors, then I'm off for a couple of years.

Learn to love yourself.

J x

Empty Tubes, Sombre Moods, Lost In The Blues...

I find myself on this empty tube going back home, listening to King Krule, lost in my thoughts.

"Brain leave me be..." King Krule - Cementality- (6 Feet beneath the moon- 2013)

It's only been a week and a bit since I was doing what I love, acting. Acting, working alongside incredible actors, learning, away from home in a hotel somewhere and now it's back to the routine of work, the routine you don't love. It's only been a week, and you try as hard as you possibly can to not delude yourself that everything will change once you start working professionally(as an actor) and as much you try it's still hard to not be disappointed by the absence of sound of that one phonecall possibly leads on to other things.

"And I still be asking God to show his face" Chance The Rapper - Acid Rain (Acid Rap - 2013)

Then I say to myself get a grip, it's only been a week. Chill The F**k out. Enjoy those moments, use this time to reflect, appreciate, but the immediate response to that is sometimes how can I chill? The wounds of being unemployed for a year, the mute sound of rejection after rejection are still yet to be fully healed. Yes there's the feeling of have faith in yourself you can do this, but it's a scary time when that faith isn't bright or strong enough to combat with the thoughts of that was just a fluke.

“The deeper I go into myself the more Irealise  that I am my own enemy.” - Floriano Martins.

The tube has stopped. Thank F**k for that. I'm outside I have signal, I'm no longer left alone with my thoughts. It's fine. It's fine. I'm fine No seriously I'm fine.

Moments

The Sounds of Trains going past, the sounds of automated voices informing commuters of train arrivals and departures, the footsteps of commuters pacing themselves to either get trains or coming off a train.... and then there's me, the guy walking around the station with the fattest smile ever. 

So I've completed filming for this episode of a TV show where I'm an episode guest/lead alongside a guest/lead actress. I had never done "proper" screen work and when I found out the intensity, rapidness they filmed this programme that made me even more nervous. Then I found out the actress I was playing alongside and the experience she had, pressure to not be the S**t actor whose s***t cause it's their first job or is just a s***t actor kicked in. I had also made that promise to myself which I posted earlier. 

But it went well I genuinely think it went well. It was a big moment I think for myself to get this role, "The First", but if I was to be brutally honest it was a big moment, a big thing, I think for my family and also for my agent. It was that confirmation that yeah he(being me) can do it. Everyone had faith, but it was a question of how much faith left everyone had(including myself-not much). So yeah it went really well, the first day was tough and by the second day I think i got used to it. The actress I was also playing alongside drew a performance out of me just due to the fact she was so amazing and it was great to work alongside her, it brings your game up and hopefully she feels like I brought her game up.

So now I'm in the stage of my career now where we hope for next job, but we also enjoy the moments shared and created from the last one and we use that to keep faith in our ability. I've also got to be happy, because I see acting as my wife, my lover and we had been apart for too long. 

09/10/13.

 

Quick Promise

Promise to myself. 

You asked for this moment, this opportunity, make it count. (But The Nerves) You spoke of big dreams for years, people laughed,but you stuck to your word (the nerves, the questions) when times were low you believed, but not as much as before - your friends were there to keep you going(they were right, they have faith in you, you have faith in yourself) The question of will I work after this lingers (yes that is fair), but you have been given an opportunity because someone has seen something in you, embrace this moment, the opportunity, the faith someone has shown in you...This is what you always wanted to ACT - professionally, you have been given the chance, embrace it, some people aren't as fortunate as you. 

You work hard, keep your head down, humble yourself it will come again - Words from my paps.

"So here so here we are, so we here are it's funny how so close can seem so far, seem so far, seem so far, it's funny how so close can seem so far, I mean this is your moment..." - J. Cole - Friday Night Lights (2010)

The days before THE first.

03/10/13

Life after getting that FIRST credit. (I haven't even done it yet.) 

It's been a bit of a whirlwind couple of days. Just a mix of emotions, events(occurrences) and a lot of reflecting. The reflecting is something that I have dwelled into much deeper since my mini summer European tour when I had a lot of time alone. The time alone is something I am trying to involve more in my life, and I guess the blog although it's public, when written it's that time alone with/by myself. 

"B**ch Don't kill my vibe, B**ch don't kill my vibe..." - Kendrick Lamar (2012) - Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City

I went out on the weekend and bumped into an old friend from sixth form. He asked me what I was doing with myself at the present moment in time. I explained to him how I was planning to audition for drama schools, was starting up my own Independant production company and for the first time ever, a moment I had only dreamed of, the words "I'm about to go off and do some acting work in..." came out of my mouth. He went on to congratulate me and explain, back when we were in sixth form and he was one of the light designers for the final show I was in(Angels in America) he knew I would go on to do bigger and better things, he said there was a drive about me that he admired and something he wanted to install in himself. Now what I am playing in is not a big thing, and even if it was a big thing I wouldn't call it a big thing but it's not a big thing and you get my point. However this was a moment of shock for me, but also a moment of pride, but it was also a moment of me realising that the drive, the fire in my stomach, the fuel since gaining this role were things that was coming  back to me and all of those things were things I desperately want to show the people on my first job in a couple of days.

"Whose world is this?The world is yours, the world is yours, the world is yours..." - Nas, Whose a World is this - Illnatic (1994)

Yesterday night I was at the Curzon Cinema in Shaftesbury Avenue for the amazing charity Tender(which works on preventing domestic abuse in young relationships) celebrating their tenth anniversary. I happen to be their Youth ambassador due to the collaboration we had in the summer and the relationship just continuing to blossom and me being fascinated in their work. Long story short, they had a Q/A with Olivia Coleman and Francine Stock. The Q/A was incredibly inspiring as you can imagine. After that I was introduced to Francine Stocke and explained a bit about myself my relationship with Tender and where I was up with my career. I then was introduced to Olivia, someone whose work I adore someone who's aura I adore from what I had seen of past interview, but now from meeting her. I again spoke about my relationship with tender and where I was at with my career and spoke very honestly about my frustration at times, the aura I mention from her is one of warmth and comfort. She gave me some advice. Advice I will keep forever near. Her advice wasn't much in terms of the conversation going for ages, but the words, the few characters that came from her were worth a million. They were specified for me and my situation, she left saying "I'm sure I'll see you around soon". Those final words topped the night. Those are the moments you keep near and dear to your heart to keep you going. An incredibly inspiring night.

 I heard on a radio interviewer a musician talking about how it took him a while for his career to get going, but when he did it was like a blessing, as the timing was right, he had learnt from people's career who had taken off prior to him and was not making the mistakes they made. I guess that's what I'm trying to do, not saying anyone I know has got a head of themselves, but I've been able to see others. I'm not getting ahead of myself at all which is very easy to do, I just want to grow and continue loving and learning my craft.

Humbled.

What Flavour Smoothie?

The Blender being my head, my thoughts being the fruits, there being so many different fruits equals many different thoughts, the fruits, the thoughts = the smoothie.

The phonecall I got on Friday is one I didn't expect/imagine to recieve for a while yet. The type of conversation I did not think would come for me. The words I thought were so far away from the current circumference I am. The words being "they would like to offer you the job!" For that Friday was the moment I got my first professional credit with the agency, the people who had seen so much in me and kept on supporting me through this tough & arduous year.

The moment came when I was on the bus to meet some friends who I deem as family more than friends. That meeting would of consisted of me talking about how I am doing my own thing at the moment of creating my own company and meeting some fantastic people and organised a fantastic team, and a team who can help me give back to people but also help myself out, I would of spoken of also myself being in a more positive of mind due to my incredible summer and feeling as if I was becoming a young man, but conversation would of also touched on the thoughts that linger in the back of the mind if I would ever get that first credit with my agency. Yes the thought had got smaller and it wasn't as powerful and it was not clouding my mind as much as moments prior to summer, but it was still there. So for that phonecall to change an element of the conversation I was going to have was incredible. Also to see the reaction of the people I call my brothers was a moment I will never forget. The reaction of people(you know who you are) who have been there with me through my darkest moments. To see the reaction of my mum when I got back home, the reaction of my dad was beautiful. I live for these moments of seeing these people you love happy and proud of you.

The funny thing about this though and the moment I realised I had actually become a "Actor" was the moment I already began to think way ahead... Will I work again after this job though, instead of embracing the moment. 

"Don't think about it too much, too much, too much too much, there's no need for us to rush this through" Drake - Too Much Feat Sampha. (2013 - Nothing Was The Same)

Today, 29th September, The day before my birthday. Glass of Red Wine in my left hand and I guess these are just lonely thoughts...

Does the frustration ever end?

J x

Lonesome...

3rd Blog post in 5 days...It's getting bad man.

Scared, alone...don't want to say either of the two out loud, don't want to say I'm depressed, but these are my thoughts, my words and I'm just painting out my thoughts.  

They say you get what you put in, Lord knows I'm putting in work in and there are people out there who I'm sure are not and are getting stuff out... So that phrase is pure B***S***!

    Maybe it's the substances that some people say are naughty that don't help and make the feelings I feel extreme... even worse when your someone like me... 

"In touch with my emotions, but not in control"

    "Chains concealed in our thoughts"

The phrase "but your so young" is one all too familiar... but I just want to be happy and should that be retained because your too young....

        "I'm holding on desperately...."

I want to go back to having faith in people... And eventually myself.

                   "I think love is beautiful too"

I used to be the positive guy, the extremely positive guy, "No Dream is too B.I.G." << words I would attach everywhere.... words I thought were stitched to my heart, feel like the stitching has peeled off.

       "No Longer superman"

Just thoughts man, these are just thoughts .... Penny for a thought, I guess I now have a couple...

      "and there goes you, selling me dreams.."